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Victoria Beckham's Ugly Feet

Victoria Beckham has an unfortunate lump... and I'm not talking about her hubby.

She has bunions. Eugh!

The last time she had a sudden swelling that made the news was when she had a boob job.

They say it is because she has been wearing stilettos. The poor love. She is very upset about it. Swelling that much has nearly doubled her weight.

I don't know if you're like this too but I look at those feet and I just want to snap that toe back into place. OK, it would be painful, it would hurt her and she wouldn't probably let out a hideous scream. Or as she calls it, singing.

>Read the source story

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John Terry's Missus Shows What He's Missing

This big news in the UK is John Terry's affair with a former team-mate's partner.

Sadly I am not a fan of football so I don't have a lot to say. Fortunately I am a fan of having affairs.

The newspapers have pictures of Toni Terry, one of the many injured parties in all this, has been showing off the goods on a beach. The basic rule is, when someone cheats on you, you take to the beach to show that they didn't cheat on you because you aren't sexy. That implies that it must be because your personality stinks. Result!

Toni Terry was sporting a frilly zebra-print bikini. Fortunately she was in Dubai. If she was on the plains of Africa the zebra camouflage would kick in and her boobs and bifta would just disappear.

John Terry had an affair with Vanessa Perroncel. She was the partner of a fellow player of John's. My god, John Terry must hope he doesn't play with David Beckham anytime soon.

>Read the source story

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Ricky Gervais Wants Fewer Babies

Ricky Gervais has got in trouble for saying something offensive. Shocker! That's like Tiger Woods getting in trouble for popping out to enjoy a few holes. It's what he does.

Ricky said 'irresponsible' parents should be sterilised.

And that got him in trouble? Watching daytime TV for any longer than 5 minutes would lead you to the same conclusion. That's the true miracle of child-birth; it's a miracle people who are so stupid they don't know how to pull their tracksuit bottoms up when they start to fall down but they can get the mechanics of sex right.

Asked whether there should be a limitation then, he told the Sunday Times: "Yes, based on… stupid, fat faces. If there's a woman in leggings, eating chips with a fag
in her mouth, sterilise her."

Just put the pill in KFC and the world would be a better place.

It's no surprise that these people have loads of kids. It's something to do when you're bored with playing on the Wii. It can get you a free house and best of all it increases your parking status. In the old days it was just disabled people who got better parking but now you get to park business class if you have a child. Which means as a man with no dependants I'm parking about a mile away from wherever I was heading.

I recently went to a town centre in the day and the first three floors of the multi-story car park was for people with kids. I tell you, this is why people abduct other people's kids. They don't want the kids but they just need to get parked.

>Read the source story

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Female Viagra Breakthrough

I have been reading about female Viagra.

I won't tell you what I Googled that led me onto that page, but it's very interesting.

I was shocked. Female Viagra? I didn't even know women had penises.

A drug company called Vivus has developed an 'orgasm cream' to boost women's sex lives.

There is already a cream that can improve a woman's sex life... shaving cream. 'Nuff said!

The company looking into this is called Orgasm Inc.

Damn it! I thought that was a night club.

It's all a way to make more money. You don't need this new pill and you don't all this research to make a female Viagra. You just take the little blue pills... and make them pink.

>Read the source story

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Who's Jennifer Love Hewitt's Dating

Jennifer Love Hewitt is going out with her co-star. And I thought, "She's sh*gging an animated cat?"

That's because I only really know Jennifer Love Hewitt from the Garfield films which shows my lack of knowledge of her body of work, so I Googled Jennifer Love Hewitt's body. I have just had 10 minutes of fun.

J-Lo Hewitt plays a clairvoyant in Ghost Whisperer and is dating Jamie Kennedy.

Oh, imagine working with your partner. You see them all day, go home and then having to see them again. You can't get away from them. You get home and she wants to talk. "Haven't you been talking to ghosts all day?"

Jennifer Love Hewitt said: "The idea of two actors in a relationship can be explosive and scary."

It certainly can be if you're Jennifer Aniston and the two actors you're thinking of are Angelina and Brad.

>Read the source story


[See the Jennifer Love Hewitt linked gallery]

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Pitt & Jolie Split... NOT

We recently posted about Brad and Angelina splitting up but we may have spoken too soon. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie proved they were still very much an item as they attended the Directors Guild of America Awards in Los Angeles.

Damn it. I was just about to get my moves on to pull Angelina. I had been doing my research to see what kind of person she goes for. It turns out the type of person she seems to have an affinity for is small, foreign and orphaned.

I'm not sure she's the right woman for me. I seem to remember she was into using knives in her sex life. I wouldn't know what to do. Do you start with the small knives on the outside for foreplay and work your way in?

Apparently they were being 'extremely affectionate' as they mingled at the awards. They knew they had to send a message to the world and show us that they are still together. One guest told People magazine: "They looked very giggly. They look like they are having a fun time. It's definitely a date."

I love that. They are actors and while other people are getting awards for their acting we all assume they are so bad at it they couldn't possibly pulling the wool over our eyes.

>Read the source story


[See the Angelina Jolie linked gallery]

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Korean News: Lights Out, Pants Off

The South Korean ministry of health turned the lights off in its buildings so the staff would go home and have sexual sexy sex with their partners.

It's the long-winded way of telling someone to "***k off!"

They did it in a bid to increase the birth rate because as a nation they have one of the lowest on the planet. Might I suggest that if it's low in the first place the ministry should tell them to turn the lights off at home.

And also, if you had your government telling you to make babies would you be in the mood for it? Think of Ruth Kelly trying to get you up for it. Eugh!

I'm no expert on fertility but if you want people to get pregnant, don't send them home. Send them to behind the bike shed in my old school. Most people who went there seemed to get pregnant.

P.S. I like the fact that I have written a post about how turning lights off leads to sex... and the picture of the news story is obviously not very well lit. Ooooh yeah, ladies.

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