Jesus Returneth... As A Bruise

Praise the Lord, for he has returned. Behold, the second coming of Jesus... in the form of a bruise.

Oh. This is a woman from the US who claims she can see the face of Jesus in a bruise that was left on her arm after blood tests.

Obviously when a bruise forms any other shape it is just a random happening caused by the flowing and congealing of blood, but when it looks a bit like a hippy... It's The Lord!

The newspaper said: "Mary Massa was left stunned when she took off her bandage."

She's called Mary and she produced Jesus. She's a few days too late to have been a one-woman nativity scene.

The image appears to show the face of a man with medium-length hair, sunken eyes and a moustache, possibly a beard. Other interpretations suggest that rather than Jesus, it could also be the face of Albert Einstein.

Oh dear, it's not a religious symbol, it's the face of science. That will go down well.

She joins a long line of religious people who have seen Jesus manifest in things like Kit-Kat bars, a bag of Cheetos, a woman's iron, Google Maps, the grain of wood, a slice of toast and even the anus of a dog.

Thats nothing. You know what's really freaky? I keep seeing the face of the Queen appearing in many places. Stamps, bank notes, even on the TV on Christmas. I think I need a lie down.

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• Dated Tuesday, January 05, 2010